"ALL ABOUT ME" by Fernando Enriquez When I was asked six months prior if I wanted to go on a week long trip to Alabaster, Alabama with my wife to visit her sister, husband and 2 month old in January, it seemed like a great idea. Besides being a good time of the year to be down South it would give me a chance to experience a new life style. I don't mean the difference between the "real" south and the "Yankee" style of living. I am talking about the life style of a 2 month old. We have all been that age, but do you really remember what life was like? I can't, I don't even remember what I did last Saturday. So I felt that I could turn this trip into a learning experience, by molding my lifestyle to that of a 2 month old child. For this trip I figured I would need some clothes, more than if I was going on a skate trip, my skateboard, because all kids need toys, and some reading material like the new Tony Hawk autobiography. (The book is entertaining, and written for a 3rd grade reading level, which I appreciated). Once we flew in and made our way to my brother and sister in-law's house, I met my newborn nephew Andrew and his dog Daisy. Andrew is very cute and very small. The first thing I noticed about him is that he is at a stage in his life where he is oblivious to anything or anybody except for himself. If I was to try to experience what his life was like I had to take on all his philosophies in life. Stoked, I had to become more "all about me." Although I've been told that I am very selfish I felt that to fully understand the "all about me" philosophy I was going to have to practice real hard for the next couple of days. Besides having a wonderful philosophy, his life at two months consists of pissing, shitting, sleeping, eating, and crying. It was not exactly the most exciting life style, but it seemed like a good life style format for me to follow while on vacation visiting him. Like they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans. I discovered the dog, on the other hand, doesn't like men, and me being one was not liked. So for 6 days I was barked at and glared at from across the room. The dog didn't really concern me since I was convinced in learning my nephew's lifestyle. The first phase of his lifestyle (pissing and shitting) I was quite familiar with and found it, for the most part, enjoyable. I even pondered going to the store, buying a box of Depends, and having my wife change my diapers. I thought this would really help me understand my nephew's philosophy. Unfortunately as soon as I expressed my desire, my wife quickly shut me down. I tried to explain to her how important it was for me to really understand this new philosophy, but she didn't seem to care. So instead of changing my own diapers I had to do with sitting on the throne and reading about Hawk's life. The sleeping part was also very fun and even though he only slept in 3 to 4 hour periods, I extended my sleeping to 11 ­14 hours. I also found it quite nice to follow his example of drinking a large bottle right before passing out, sometimes with the bottle still in his mouth. This leads me to his eating habits. His food only comes in bottles and he gets really cranky if he doesn't get it when he wants it. When I mean cranky I mean he screams and cries until he is given his bottle. This was amazing to me, the fact that a 2 month old could have adults running around the house satisfying his every desire simply by crying. I was also quite happy about his bottle only feeding technique, and deduced that I should restrict myself to a diet of mostly bottles sporting such labels as Dos x, Corona, and Budweiser. In the South these bottles are found in every corner store as opposed to the ultra conservative Pennsylvanian laws. This made it quite easy for me to simply stop and get one when I got cranky and wanted my bottle. Next came the crying, I did try it, but I do not posses the fresh lungs needed to really motivate adults to become my personal maids. I also found myself coughing and hyperventilating whenever I tried to match his screams. This particular phase of his lifestyle I was not going to be able to practice so I decided to deviate from it and create a different form of expression for myself. I chose two of my favorite hobbies to replace the crying: watching TV and Skating. Luckily for me my brother in law had equipped his home with cable TV and my finger was very happy to surf 70 channels. Thanks Jim. Skating in Alabaster is not very popular, at least not as much as the new Razor Scooters. My sister in law Lisa mentioned that there might be a ramp at the local state park and advised me to go check it out. I did and there was only a BMX track but nothing for the wooden horses to roll on. This is where my skateboarding senses came useful in finding something to skate before I went crazy and had to overfeed myself with bottles. I found a string of ditches right down the street that took care of my carve crave for at least 2 days. They were nothing to rave about but did have some small hips and crazy gaps to ollie over. The next day I contacted the local skate shop in Birmingham, 30 minutes north. Peter, the owner, was very nice and informed me of a piece of concrete where they had set up some ramps in the outskirts of the city. With some sketchy directions I found it and realized that I have become a spoiled brat. Two bank ramps and various rails and ledge formations did not quench my appetite. I was not going to be able to fulfill my new philosophy of "all about me" at this spot so I decided to go find his shop, and try to get some information about this town. After getting lost and finding a pool, which had tons of potential but had the deep end full of water I found Faith Skate supply. Peter was very helpful in giving me directions to the skate park, which only opened Thursday though Sunday, and it being Wednesday I was out of luck. He also told me about a bank about 3 blocks away from the shop where they used to skate and set up ramps but due to gangster activity the skaters had retreated. These banks were some of the best not made for skating banks I've ever skated. They were about 4 feet tall and went to vert, I skated them for at least an hour and attempted to learn how to use my camera's delay photo function. Beaten by my camera I decided to go home, plus I was getting hungry and needed my bottle. I was not super cranky yet but felt that to fully understand the philosophy of "all about me" I needed to follow each and every one of my desires. Peter had also supplied me with his shop's video and I felt a desire to watch it. After I watched it I actually felt like street skating. I would have followed this fleeting feeling but realized that part of the "all about me" philosophy is having one feeling overpower another. My feeling of laziness won this round. The next day being Thursday I went to check out the skate park. They opened from 4 to 7 and this fell right in the time when I had one of my feedings so I took along a couple of bottles to feed while I skated. After all, I did not want to deviate from Andrew's lifestyle too much. The park had an outside vert ramp and an outside street course that looked used and abused and in need of some TLC. It was raining so I headed inside to find two large rooms filled with mini ramps. There was one about 51/2 foot high with a huge kink in it. It was fun for about 10 runs. The other room had a spine mini about 4 feet high with a section of the spine having a 2-foot wide platform. This was fun to air over. It was connected via a hip to another ramp with a faded back section. This is where I spent most of my time. My companions where 6 rollerblader kids about 13 years old. They were not as retarded as most but impressively polite. I guess the Bible belt does have an effect on the youth. I corrupted them a bit by making them yell profanities at me if I fell; this took some convincing on my part. By the time I was leaving the kids were yelling profanities at me almost every run I took. I had finished my bottles and was ready for a nap, so it was time to go. For the next couple of days I lived as close to Andrew's life style as I could. I did discover a couple of benefits to being over a couple of months old. If, for instance, I wanted to drink more than one bottle every 3 to 4 hours I could, and did. Unfortunately Andrew could not, not even if he cried. Like in anything there are pros and cons. When our trip came to an end we said our good-byes and returned back to the cold and rainy Yankee land. As I had hoped, this trip had been real fun, and a great way to experience a new lifestyle. I also thought I had discovered a new philosophy of life, the "all about me" philosophy. But in reality, or at least what I think that is, I had only been experiencing the true AMERICAN DREAM. After all who in America doesn't dream of having their needs and wants fulfilled, immediately by others, simply by crying to express themselves. Plus you can't write aMErica without ME in it.